Something Inside That Pulls Beneath The Surface
by sikeminatural
Summary: One shot for Sex and Violence 4.14 about Sam and what he really thinks about Dean and everything that is happening


Initially I wrote a totally different one shot about Sam in this ep before I realised that it wasn't really working out so well because I couldn't really see things from his POV (well not in way that would be readable anyways lol). But yeah I just wrote this instead.

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"_**You know I didn't mean the things I said back right? And that It was just the Siren's spell talking.."**_

"_**Of course me too"**_

"_**Okay…so we're good?"**_

"_**Yeah we're good"**_

As they drove down the highway Sam felt his mind drifting back to the awkward conversation he and Dean had shared as they leant on the Impala once Bobby had driven away. He knew the reassurance had been false. That Dean hadn't forgotten what Sam had said, he hadn't forgiven him. He just put up that stoic face like he always did. Sam didn't blame him, he realised that his words had been a lot harsher than Dean's had. He knew that some of what Dean had said was true; the lying mainly. Sometimes he couldn't help himself and the words just slipped out and always felt a weird sensation washing over him when his brother would look at him and not question his lie when he could see in Dean's eyes that he didn't believe him. Sam got the feeling that Dean probably preferred to think that Sam would come to him eventually and sure maybe when they were younger. Not now. Dean had been protecting Sam for so long, their entire lives practically. The lies gave Sam the one thing he'd always lacked; _Control._ Being able to control what happened, to deal with thing himself. A chance to be somebody; somebody destined for greatness. With Dean around Sam couldn't be in control, he had to follow Dean's orders. Listen to his _older _brother…just like when they were younger. Sam was tired of that…especially now when they were hunting down Lilith and trying to eradicate all chances of the apocalypse. He didn't care what it took; _they had to win this war._

Sam glanced at Dean who was staring straight ahead his shoulders tense despite the fact that he had his favourite AC/DC album blaring out so loudly that Sam though his eardrums would burst. Suddenly something inside Sam's head snapped and he wanted to tell the truth. He wanted to scream over Dean's music. _I meant every frickin' word. _There just seemed to be something deep inside him that pulled him into emptiness, pulled him beneath surface. Under the surface lay an unknown but familiar territory. He could feel his strength improving and he knew that he could win this war; he was going to put things right, There'd be no more pangs of guilt as he looked into Dean's troubled eyes. The naked panic was evident in Dean's eyes, a change from the usual hardness that used to be there. The same look that Dean used whenever they were forced to confront the fact that Sam had powers. Sam knew a part of him had died when Dean had gone to hell. He couldn't be nice and caring anymore. He had to make his own choices, the _right _choices. Not the path that Dean wanted to take. Hell, he was doing this _for _Dean. He was doing this for _himself, _for his broken family – torn apart by the war that they were still fighting.

Sam was momentarily distracted from his thoughts as the opening of, '_You shook me all night long' by AC/DC_. Dean winced as if he'd been kicked in the stomach. He turned the stereo off and the brothers sat there in complete silence. Sam cleared his throat loudly,

"You okay?" he asked with genuine concern his voice. He almost didn't notice they way Dean flinched as he's spoken. Dean just continued to stare ahead

"I'm fine" he said in that same fake casual tone he'd been using since their 'fight'

"Only I thought…I mean that song, it's one of your favourites…I mean you play it a _million –_"Sam was halted abruptly as Dean said,

"I said, _I'm fine_" in a voice that all but told Sam to shut the hell up. Sam sighed and he turned to look out of the window surprised by how much Dean's words had stung. _So much for making conversation _he thought bitterly. Dean glanced at his brother with a hardened expression on his face. After a moment he looked away and he leant over to turn the radio on and a loud rock song blared out from the speakers.

"_**I could be cold, I could be ruthless, you know I could be just like you. I could be weak, I could be senseless, you know I could be just like you. You thought you were there guide me, you were only my way. You're wrong if you think that I could be just like –"With**_ a loud thump that made Sam jump Dean turned off the radio, an angry expression on his face. Sam saw that Dean's knuckles were white because of how tight he was gripping the steering wheel and he guessed that most of the anger was directed at him. It was going to be _long _drive.


End file.
